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Clubs & dungeons

That's probably best left for a spot just a little south. Better, obviously, if you're a single female. That's not to say that everyone on the beach looks like an old recliner strapped to a beach chair. The club is members-only and BYOB. If you had your heart set on a nudist resort, your best bets are going garden be north of the city. Except here you can get hard liquor, full nudity, and one of the world's great collections of thigh tattoos.

But you've got plenty of those back home. That's why this state le the nation yep, another first for Florida! For reals. This also means in Miami strip clubs, almost anything goes. Matt Meltzer is a contributing writer for Thrillist who lives in Miami.

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No joke. Only on certain nights can single guys traipse in unaccompanied. Follow him on Instagram meltrez1.

For every taut German blonde, you'll get five or six wilted dudes with mermaid tattoos. The dancers here are only topless, but the main attraction here is stuffing dollars in their G-strings and cleavage.

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And if you've ever thought about doing more than kissing another girl and liking it, well, you can't spell bienvenidos without bi. Bliss parties Mjami the clubs discussed above are what are known as "on-premise clubs" -- that is, you can have anonymous sex with other couples right there and then go on your merry way -- Bliss parties are different.

Here in Miami we like to maximize your ability to tan your most sunburnable parts. Also, the ratio here skews highly male, so if you're not comfortable looking up and seeing more penis than you would in a YMCA locker room, this might not be the spot for you. Or maybe you'd rather be the dominator, or you and your partner would prefer to punish each other for forgetting to take the trash out with a nice crack of a cat o' nine.

This hour spot is more like a nightclub that happens to have strippers than an actual strip club, where the tip rail is populated more by women than men, and the floors are sometimes literally covered in dollar bills. While nobody's going to make you paint a "V" on your face like it's the Rocky Horror Picture Show if you're new to the lifestyle, it's definitely the club of choice for swingers in the know.

The large of female patrons seem to enjoy this practice far more than the men, a big reason why this place has a reputation as a tsens where girls go to behave badly. Lauderdale's answer to Miami Velvet is Trapeze, more of a swingers club for seasoned veterans.

Then you'll pay a one-time "facilities charge" which essentially pays the salaries of the poor souls charged with cleaning up the place after you're done. Lap dances are almost exclusively of the private variety, so don't come here looking for a two-for-one special.

There's a party for every taste. You can participate as much or as little as you like.

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There's a space up in West Palm called James, too. The difference here is you don't have to go far once that progresses to rhythmic dry-humping.

The events are held monthly, so you'll have to check the website before you make any plans. The easiest place to find people to "play" with this is swingers' term gatdens art, like you're going to be striking up a game of backgammon is Swingers Date Club, or SDC. Trapeze Ft.

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Softcore adult entertainment features sometimes use the sand as a set. So strap in, strap on, and get ready.

Scarlett's Cabaret The best pure strip club in Miami -- if not all of Florida -- is a little north of the city, in Hallandale Beach. Maybe it's the heat.

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South Beach, especially south of Fifth St, is what you'd call clothing-optional-tolerant. This browser does not support the video tag.

Or you can invite them to you. Well, relatively.

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Or, mami if there is a seedy little swingers club in your hometown, doing sex stuff with people you're almost guaranteed to never see again. Or, ya know, boink each other's brains out.

SDC is kind of like eHarmony, except instead of questions like, miiami the most important trait in a romantic partner? The crowd trends a little older -- more late 30s to 40s -- but still skews hot. Where you can do everything from dip your toe into "the lifestyle," to, well, whatever you're imagining.